Control

One of the things that I've been thinking about quite a bit over the past few days is control.  The control over my life, over what I do, and over what happens to me.

My parents have laughingly told the story about me when I was just a tiny thing, two or three.  They would rearrange the living room, or one of the other rooms in the house.  I would come in, probably from a nap or something, since I wasn't exactly out on my own or anything. I would see that the room was different, and apparently get a little huffy.  I'd want to know why the room was changed.  My parents would explain their actions (they were very patient parents) - they put the couch over there, because you could see the TV better, they moved the couch over to the other side to balance the room, or whatever they explained to my demanding self, and I guess I would be okay with it then.

I was a control freak even then...

I'm sure you know someone, even if you aren't one yourself. Or maybe you are one. Let's see. Do you feel like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Would you rather do something yourself, because then you know it will be done right? (I bet I get a lot of you on that one) Or do you delegate some task, and then tell that person (husband or wife maybe) the best way to do it, or maybe you follow up behind them and fix it after they're finished.

Do you manipulate people or situations to get the outcome that you perceive is the most beneficial for you?

I have done all those things a million, trillion times (not really an exaggeration).  I have lived my whole life trying to control what happens to me.

I believe in most situations, this need, this compelling need, comes from fear. Yes, fear!! Why else do we (I) run around like a maniac trying to control everything that surrounds us (me)?  I have spent most of my life living in fear.  It has haunted my choices, shadowed my joy, and made me dread a future I couldn't see or control.  

A year and a half ago, my boss lost her husband. he was a young man, 52 or 53. He had just had knee surgery a few days before, and she went home to get him to take him to physical therapy. He was dead when she found him, from a blood clot she found out later.  I was the second person she called, after the paramedics. It's been a painful journey, and I have had the privilege of walking it with her over the months after that horrible day.  It's helped me to remember to treasure every day I have with my husband.

We really know, inside, that we can't control our lives.  That's why we live in fear.  Wow!! What an epiphany, right!! Well, it was for me.

That was one of the things that Sara Frankl taught me.  She lived her life, basically not knowing what was going to happen the next day, the next month, or the next year, but it probably was not going to be good - at least physically.  But she knew that God was in control, not her, and she left him to it.

God promises us that all things will work to the good for those who love him.  All things...even all those painful things...the things we can't control...the things we might fear. God, in his infinite mystery, will turn them around so that they are the best for us.

Would Sara say that now??  Was the illness and pain and isolation worth it?? I think she would say YES!! She touched and inspired so many people, people she would probably have had no contact with if it weren't for her illness and isolation.

I'm trying to let go of the fear and the compelling need to control what happens to me.  Every morning, before I get out of bed, I pray, 'God, I give you this day. I know that you already know what's going to happen, and that's good enough for me.' Some days are better than others, but I can see how he is lovingly and gently prying my gripping, white-knuckled hands, off my life...so he can do with it what he wants and what's best for me.

Thel